Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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