This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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