i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
