Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
