I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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