i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
