I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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