Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize