I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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