did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
