Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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