420 ftw
i love accidental penises.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
