I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
