dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
