So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
