she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize