after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
