My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
