Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
