tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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