We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
