Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
