I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
