rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
