Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
