I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
