This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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