So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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