btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
