my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
