she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
