I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
