he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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