I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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