Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
