and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
