i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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