I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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