i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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