I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
