I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
