it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
