stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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