Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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