I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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