in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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