I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
