Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
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