I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
