Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
