gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
