she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
