know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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