Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize