i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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