Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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