i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
