can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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